Don't Want To Do It Anymore

I don't want to be married to Shawn anymore. He has proved himself to be a cold, heartless person who enjoys hurting me just because he can. He is cruel and unapologetic in his verbal attacks on me. He is demanding, controlling and unsympathetic. And I am done - I'm done.

I can't afford to live here without his paycheck and I really can't afford (or maybe I don't want) to move with the dog and cats. So I will stay. But I will focus on myself this year- I will make myself as happy as I can, and stay as away from him as I can. Once Andrea gets the hell out, I will move in that room and just live separate lives.

And then I will be old and die and my worthless life will be over.

I don't want to be married to him anymore.

I'm done.

Charlie's Broken Leg

Oh, Charlie! He slipped on the ice Thursday at 1:00 a.m. and broke his right leg in three places. He had surgery at KU Med Friday evening - making for a very long day for me (Tom and I went to be with him until he came out of surgery - at midnight!) He will spend a few days at Tom's until he gets proficient with crutches (I loaned him mine so he wouldn't have to pay for a set). The doctor's parting words to us after updating us on the surgery was to keep him off the sauce while he recovers. I guess they did a toxicology on him when he showed up at their door. Wonder if this will be a wake-up call to stop the drinking? I kind of doubt it.

I've spent a great deal of the day taking down Christmas stuff. I had to put it all up alone and I'm having to take it all down alone - even though it's Sunday and Shawn is home. He is sick so he's laying on the sofa hogging the TV. Of course. I'm trying really hard to not let my anger get the better of me - I want to be in a loving mood when we go to Maui in October.

I guess I have to work in the office Tuesday since the new telecommuter rules have gone into effect. I'm not sure there will be sufficient desks for all of us (the two returning to the office don't go back till next month so for this month, we will need four stations.) I am trying to still enjoy my job but I'm burning out faster and faster between breaks in work. And it's not the job - I'm just 48, been working full time consistently since 1987 and I'm tired.

2013

A new year - a renewal of life. What happens this year? How do I let go of last year's angsts? What changes are in store - what heart aches and disappointments? So many celebrate January 1 but I wonder if I might be celebrating the start of the worst year, maybe the final year of my life. Do I make the same old resolutions, knowing I am going to fail at keeping them again? Do I toss everything to the wind and see where it falls? I only know I have 365 days to make a difference - a difference in my life and a difference in the lives of those around me. Or I have 365 days to do nothing - just like the last 365 days.