Don't Want To Do It Anymore

I don't want to be married to Shawn anymore. He has proved himself to be a cold, heartless person who enjoys hurting me just because he can. He is cruel and unapologetic in his verbal attacks on me. He is demanding, controlling and unsympathetic. And I am done - I'm done.

I can't afford to live here without his paycheck and I really can't afford (or maybe I don't want) to move with the dog and cats. So I will stay. But I will focus on myself this year- I will make myself as happy as I can, and stay as away from him as I can. Once Andrea gets the hell out, I will move in that room and just live separate lives.

And then I will be old and die and my worthless life will be over.

I don't want to be married to him anymore.

I'm done.

Charlie's Broken Leg

Oh, Charlie! He slipped on the ice Thursday at 1:00 a.m. and broke his right leg in three places. He had surgery at KU Med Friday evening - making for a very long day for me (Tom and I went to be with him until he came out of surgery - at midnight!) He will spend a few days at Tom's until he gets proficient with crutches (I loaned him mine so he wouldn't have to pay for a set). The doctor's parting words to us after updating us on the surgery was to keep him off the sauce while he recovers. I guess they did a toxicology on him when he showed up at their door. Wonder if this will be a wake-up call to stop the drinking? I kind of doubt it.

I've spent a great deal of the day taking down Christmas stuff. I had to put it all up alone and I'm having to take it all down alone - even though it's Sunday and Shawn is home. He is sick so he's laying on the sofa hogging the TV. Of course. I'm trying really hard to not let my anger get the better of me - I want to be in a loving mood when we go to Maui in October.

I guess I have to work in the office Tuesday since the new telecommuter rules have gone into effect. I'm not sure there will be sufficient desks for all of us (the two returning to the office don't go back till next month so for this month, we will need four stations.) I am trying to still enjoy my job but I'm burning out faster and faster between breaks in work. And it's not the job - I'm just 48, been working full time consistently since 1987 and I'm tired.

2013

A new year - a renewal of life. What happens this year? How do I let go of last year's angsts? What changes are in store - what heart aches and disappointments? So many celebrate January 1 but I wonder if I might be celebrating the start of the worst year, maybe the final year of my life. Do I make the same old resolutions, knowing I am going to fail at keeping them again? Do I toss everything to the wind and see where it falls? I only know I have 365 days to make a difference - a difference in my life and a difference in the lives of those around me. Or I have 365 days to do nothing - just like the last 365 days.

Life's A Bitch

Life is a bitch and so, apparently, am I. Or so more and more people seem to be saying as much. Maybe my New Year resolution will be to just remove myself from all things family. Won't be able to do that till Andrea moves out in August, but from then on out, I may just retreat unto myself.

Started a Bucket List - decided I couldn't just put down places I want to visit, each entry must be a specific want. So, instead of saying I want to go to Ireland, I asked myself, what do I want to see/do/accomplish while there? It was easy enough to answer - I want to check out Eyrecourt Castle in County Galway. So far I have about a dozen items in my Bucket and none of them cheap! 

Andrea is having her family over this evening for a Christmas gathering. I am wondering if I can fain a head ache and just stay in the bedroom. But then no one will pat Michael down at the end of the evening to see what he's smuggling out. Seven more months.

Almost Christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here! Tree and all the decorations are up and looking good, Christmas gifts are bought and (mostly) wrapped, holiday boxes are ready to ship, Christmas letter is written and printed (though I still need to get copies done) and cards are addressed and waiting for letter and stamp. The mailing will all get done tomorrow. Then it is just a few more gifts to wrap and I am done. Till next year.

Hawaii Bound

Looks like we're heading to Hawaii next October! Maui to be precise (had to learn how to spell it!) I have booked the Pineapple Inn B&B for 8 nights and have sent in the deposit (which is our half of the cost of the cottage). Plenty of time, but we still need to book flights (at about $920 a person!), a rental car and the helicopter tour Shawn wants to go on and zipline we both want to go on. It's going to cost us a pretty penny, but you only live once and it's not like we have kids to leave our fortune to. I'm also going to need to find some place for Bailey to hang out - George, I'm sure will check on the cats but I can't ask him to take Bailey for that long - not with the household he's already dealing with.

I got my TSP check - my portion of Dad's retirement. It will go directly toward credit card debit. Shawn thinks it will cover the total debt but, unfortunately, it won't. It will cover most of it but I will still have about $3,000 to go. I am shocked at how it built up. It's going to take me to June or July to finish paying for it. I will SO have a party when it's done - a party with a budget!! Mom and Dad still bailing me out - that's impressive.

Speaking of - I put a $2.50 wreath on their tombstone yesterday. Tied a pretty red bow to it and used one of those insta-stick hooks. I don't know how long the hook will last in the elements, but it looked really nice - the white and red poinsettias I left last month were still there and Aunt Bobbie had gone by and left a snowman and decorative Christmas gift. I know the day will come when no one will visit their graves and leave mementos, no one will remember them. Makes me sad. And no one will ever visit my grave site - I will be forgotten before the dirt settles on my coffin. God, I hope there is a Heaven.

Thanksgiving Is Over - Christmas Is Coming

Thanksgiving was a quiet event this year - and for that I am thankful! Just me, Shawn and Andrea for a Noon feast, then Andrea headed to her family's annual Thanksgiving Day Disaster at Karen Carroll's. She came up a bit upset but then, she ALWAYS comes home from Family Time a bit upset.

Tom and Kathy are apparently fighting nonstop - I had to go mediate a family meltdown on Monday which started with Michael throwing a hissy, Kathy calling the cops on him, Michael choosing to go to juvie rather than face the wrath of his parents and ending with Tom telling Kathy to be gone from the house by the time he got back from juvie with the littlest troublemaker. She was packing, too, when they got home. Fortunately (?) Tom had calmed down and Kathy ended up not leaving. I would have left. Michael was walking around the house smug as a bug in the knowledge that he had created such havoc. He didn't even get punished for any of it. He got 'anger management' sessions. Brats - the lot of them.

Not to be outdone, Ana has announced she is pregnant and expecting in July. She plans on keeping the baby and Tom and Kathy have agreed to let her continue to live with them. Is it wrong to hope for a miscarriage?

Good news is they don't think they can afford to rent that particular house again next summer so they are planning a move in May! Hopefully they will move out of the city and the Hunt family name can again prosper around here.

If they don't move, I just might.